Comments on: English 205 Final Project http://www.andrewblatt.com/archives/64 Home to the Tale of Aldain and the Solomon Saga by Andrew Blatt Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:22:16 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Derek http://www.andrewblatt.com/archives/64/comment-page-1#comment-446 Derek Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:15:30 +0000 http://www.andrewblatt.com/?p=64#comment-446 Another comment about the showdown. I have a few questions for you as to why she waited until they were in the building. She could have just snuck up behind him and blown his head off, or whatever. I don't entirely know how your psychics work. Anyway. Why does she try to kill him (this I am sure you already know) Why does she try it in the building? Why not somewhere else? Why did the thing fall in the first place? Your story indicates that some of these things might be known to you already, but some of them need to be adressed in the story. Her actions in the building are suprising, and interesting, but if shes turning into psychic killer, she sure does waste her one good chance to off the guy talking. She doesn't strike me as the type to hesitate either, at least not after whatever it is in her has changed. None of these things need changing, they just need explaining. Maybe a tear runs down her cheek, maybe she doesn't kill him right away because she can barely bring herself to do it. Maybe there is some important thing she found at the warehouse. Maybe shes the killer and this is where shes killed everyone else. Saves alot of mess and transport to kill em where you hide em. Maybe shes semi possessed, who knows. Whatever the answers are, we need a few of em at least to make things add up. Another comment about the showdown. I have a few questions for you as to why she waited until they were in the building. She could have just snuck up behind him and blown his head off, or whatever. I don’t entirely know how your psychics work. Anyway. Why does she try to kill him (this I am sure you already know) Why does she try it in the building? Why not somewhere else? Why did the thing fall in the first place?

Your story indicates that some of these things might be known to you already, but some of them need to be adressed in the story. Her actions in the building are suprising, and interesting, but if shes turning into psychic killer, she sure does waste her one good chance to off the guy talking. She doesn’t strike me as the type to hesitate either, at least not after whatever it is in her has changed. None of these things need changing, they just need explaining. Maybe a tear runs down her cheek, maybe she doesn’t kill him right away because she can barely bring herself to do it. Maybe there is some important thing she found at the warehouse. Maybe shes the killer and this is where shes killed everyone else. Saves alot of mess and transport to kill em where you hide em. Maybe shes semi possessed, who knows.

Whatever the answers are, we need a few of em at least to make things add up.

]]> By: Derek http://www.andrewblatt.com/archives/64/comment-page-1#comment-445 Derek Thu, 24 Apr 2008 04:49:28 +0000 http://www.andrewblatt.com/?p=64#comment-445 I guess I have to ask a question. What are you trying to acomplish with the ending? If its to illustrate the bad luck thing, then for the most part I think it works, but you'll have to makes some comments there. This story felt to me like the bare bones of something. You have a good outline, but it moves to fast and is to sparse; it doesn't feel like there is much meat. Though I guess you only have nine pages. This could be the front end of a book. Derek I guess I have to ask a question. What are you trying to acomplish with the ending? If its to illustrate the bad luck thing, then for the most part I think it works, but you’ll have to makes some comments there.

This story felt to me like the bare bones of something. You have a good outline, but it moves to fast and is to sparse; it doesn’t feel like there is much meat. Though I guess you only have nine pages. This could be the front end of a book.

Derek

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